Good morning Dear Reader,
It’s interesting to think of ambition and motivation as separate things because before, I considered them being pretty similar. Over time though I realized that I have many ambitions. I dream big, I have a goal list a mile-long but it’s easy to dream. It’s hard to execute and stay on track. That’s where motivation comes in I think. Finding more things to motivate me extrinsically so that I can work on motivating myself intrinsically is the goal.
I had a very interesting Thanksgiving weekend. I spent it eating of course but also having an interesting conversation with my mother about my BDSM lifestyle.
For most people, explaining to your mother that you find being bound in rope therapeutic might be awkward. Or that having someone dictate to me tasks that I already know I’m supposed to do is helpful. Me however, it was very interesting to say the least.
I have been having a lot of conversations this week and weekend about what drives me, where my motivation and validation come from and that sort of thing. I suppose if I thought harder about it, I could trace things back to my childhood, adolescence, college years etc. that have led me to this path.
However, the “how I got here” is less important than the “why do I do this”, at least to me.
One thing I have been exploring is a concept I came across on Pinterest a few years ago. “Falling off the curve” wasn’t something I had come across before yet when I read that, it got me thinking. I was a straight A student for the most part up until college. I always felt like I was intelligent but somewhere in the last 10 years, the confidence of my intelligence and by extension my capability has wavered. I truly feel like I’ve fallen off the curve. I would see on TV the type of person who had their peak in high school and spent the rest of their life “reliving the glory days” and I was very afraid that would be me. I left home thinking “yes, now I can really grow, there’s nothing to hold me back” and yet since that moment, I felt like I worsened in terms of my physical health and mental endurance and too be honest: it sucks.
However, if nothing else, I’ve always been a problem solver. If I can isolate the key issues and solve them, I’ll be on my way to my full potential.
After picking apart my thought processes and actions I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t lack ambition or drive. I have big dreams and once I’m in the threshold of them I am able to complete many projects. However, my issue lies with my motivation. I’m not motivated to do the things I want to. That may be attributed to my depression.
In my school days I was would say that I was very intrinsically motivated. I was successful and creative and it felt like there was nothing I couldn’t do. However, as I realized later in life, I wasn’t intrinsically motivated at all. All of my motivation came extrinsically. As a child, the only way to get away from my problems was my art and academic success. I am a middle child and many times I would try to succeed as a means of getting a certain type of attention.
That does beg the question of whether I was every truly motivated or am I really a hard core escapist. But that’s a thought pattern for another day.
But I digress, now that I know where my motivation comes from I can do two things: utilize it or try to change it.
The issue now is: How do I use what I have inside me now to reach the place I want to be? Well one thing is I try to play upon my escapist nature. As opposed to success being the path to escapism, I now need to use escapism as a path to success. Being able to recycle that energy is challenging but not impossible.
Does it matter if motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic as long as action is being taken? I’m not sure.
That’s where BDSM comes in for me.
Having another person keep me on track by playing on the fact that my motivation is extrinsic is helpful beyond measure. People don’t realize how intimate BDSM relationships can be. To share your headspace, your vulnerability and have the person play upon and push you gently past your edges is something everyone who wants to truly grow should experience. Sometimes a simple “I need you to do this” or “you’re going to do this” from this specific, chosen, and dedicated person is enough. I’m not entirely certain why it makes a difference and it’s something I’ve been wondering. However, I suppose the method behind the madness isn’t as important if I’m being productive.
In anyway, this discovery is important to my next phase of growth. Rather than spinning my wheels wondering and berating myself, I can work on setting up methods to play upon this part of myself. At least until I have leveled up enough to develop intrinsic motivation.
Thank you for reading Dear Reader.
Much love and warm regards,