Good morning Dear Reader,
This week’s affirmation:
“I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough.”
I think so many people worry about their body image. You’re not X enough. You’re not Y enough. It’s one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. Little story about the before times:
When I was with my ex I went from about 145 pounds to about 175 pounds in about 2 years. Neither he nor his mother liked that so they would “encourage me” to lose weight by having me take Epsom salts (4x the recommended dosage) every day for a couple of months. They would also buy me clothes that were a size too small. Needless to say, that didn’t work and it hurt my self-esteem.
When I got with Andrew, I was a whole mess. Insecure, low-self esteem, all traumatized and so and so. I remember when we first started dating, he would tell me how beautiful I was. He did it subconsciously for about a year and some change. (When I brought it to his attention he stopped for a little while then he started doing consciously for the past 4 years).
It was maybe about 8 months into the relationship where I finally felt like “oh I’m not ugly” or “oh, I’m not fat, that guy from before was just abusive,” that kinda thing. I was able to let go of a lot of the baggage I’d been carrying.
Now, during those 5 years, I’d gone from 175lbs to about 215lbs was my max. Then it became less about him thinking I was beautiful and more about what I thought of myself. I didn’t care for how I looked or felt so this year I’d been taking steps to get to where I am comfortable. I lost about 45lbs this year and am just under 170lbs. It’s funny that I’m happier now at the weight I am then I was the last time I was 170lbs.
It would be a lie to say that I’m completely comfortable with my body. I still have residual body image issues. However, I learned something from both of these experiences:
- I have the power to change
- Words are powerful
My mother would tell me growing up “if you don’t like something about yourself, change it” and I carry that with me. I started fasting and doing keto and working out and just making positive changes that made me feel good. I even did one of those weight loss programs where they give you the B12 shots and appetite suppressants. I didn’t do it long though since I had a history of being lowkey addicted to weight loss stuff. But what I did do, was piggyback off of that to teach myself to eat smaller portions. It was way easier to do keto and intermittent fasting that way. I started cooking better food and going to Grocery Outlet more. During my meal break at work, I go for a walk. The more regularly I did these things, the better I felt.
I noticed that his daily mantra of telling me how beautiful I was soaked in. It was not at all immediate and I would often tell him how wrong he was at first. Slowly yet surely, I started to believe it. Eventually, I would make comments in the mirror like “ya know, I’m kinda pretty” or “I look really good today,” etc. and it was organic.
This makes me wonder: If I chose a new mantra about any area of life where I lack confidence, could I change my truth. If I said for a year “I am capable, I have worth”, would I eventually feel that? I think so. Something I’ve been working on is using kinder words with myself.
Regardless, I commit to accepting the body I have. I am trying to think of it has health rather than how others look at it. It is my temple and I need to keep it in good shape. Doing healthy things rather than worrying about aesthetics. Where I am right now is enough. I am enough.
Thanks for reading.