Category Archives: Thoughts

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Hello Dear Reader,

It’s been a little while, and I have much to share. First, I’ll start with some positives of the past few weeks.

1. I began a CBT program to step-up my healing from depression.

2. I created a network of people who will be my mental health support team.

3. I’ve spent less days in bed.

In the last post, I mentioned that I’ve started taking medicine and it seems to be a good decision thus far. I’ve noticed recently thatΒ  I’ve had an increase in overall energy. I’m able to get out of bed more often. In addition to that, my therapist Caroline suggested a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program-which I began last week-to help me learn necessary skills to manage my depression.

So far it’s been challenging but in a good way. I’m starting to learn that there isn’t a ‘quick-fix’ to depression and in fact you have to put in work. The work is challenging because in order to learn to manage depression, I have to explore some very painful parts of myself. I’ve felt a little down the last two days because I’ve been working on these painful things. I’m trying not to avoid it though, because in avoiding my deeper problems, I make my depression worse. I’m still hopeful that going through this program will help me so I will do whatever it takes to heal.

One thing that I’ve learned and that might be helpful is using G.R.A.P.E.S. each day (or at least I try to). For those of you who might not know what it is, G.R.A.P.E.S. is a tool used to practice healthy behaviors. You’re supposed to plan out the activities you want to do and it’s supposed to help you feel better in the long run. Apparently, people who aren’t depressed do these things so regularly in their day-to-day lives that they don’t have to think about them. People like myself, however, have to work on them.

Gentle with self: Do something that is kind and gentle for yourself. Meditate, read a book, etc.

Relaxation: Something relaxing for you. Take a hot bath, read a book, watch a funny video.

Accomplishment: What do you need to accomplish? It can be as small as ‘get out of bed’ or as big as ‘pick up friend from airport’.

Pleasure: What is pleasurable to you? (Writing my blog is pleasurable to me)

Exercise: Get up and move. Even if it is to check your mail, or walk your dog. Movement is good for the body.

Social: How will you be social today? Have coffee with a friend, call a family member, have a snack with your kind. Connection is important to recovery.

I don’t know if anyone really reads this, but it’s therapeutic for me to write it. If anyone does read, I hope it’s helpful to you.

Well, I will post soon Dear Reader and I hope you have a pleasant evening πŸ™‚

Improvements

Hello Dear Reader,

I am feeling super excited today. Let me first say that this Herbalife program that I’ve been on is turning out to be beneficial. Let me first say that I am not a runner. I’m the type of person to make it outside of my door and be out of breath. Anyway, I go to FitCamp Mondays and Wednesdays and this week I went on Saturday. We begin and end each workout with a short jog and although I don’t stop, I’m always the last to finish.

This past Saturday I went to FitCamp and this time during our warm-up run, I noticed I was in front of a lot of people. I asked my coach Jess “Is everyone slowing down or am I getting faster?” I started laughing because the thought of me getting faster is ridiculous.

I could keep up with the group and I my chest was not on fire for once. I pushed myself though the workout and felt amazing afterwards. Even Susan, another coach told me that she sees me improving every time. A person came up to me afterwards and said “Hey, slow down, you’re making me look bad.” Talk about a confidence boost πŸ˜€

Basically, I took a huge leap of faith trying this Herbalife and thus far I’m satisfied. I hope it keeps getting better.

This morning I went on a hike and I felt great throughout the whole hike. It was a pretty easy hike but I was so proud of myself. Anyway, the more I continue with this program, the more I want to promote it. It’s pretty good thus far. If I can see my abs by the time school starts, I’ll be a real believer.

On another note. I’m trying to network and get my name out in the world. I connected with two people at the hike today and I am happy about it. This week has been pretty busy. I didn’t do everything I wanted to this week but it hasn’t got me down. I’ve been consistently feeling up and I like it.

 

 

God Winks

Hello Dear Reader,

So yesterday Kim and I had plans to get some dinner together. She takes the tram home from work and that same tram passes by my house. So the plan was for me to take the tram and meet her at a certain spot (where she parked her car) and drive to get food.

I wanted to do this because taking the tram is so much more adventurous than driving. Anyway, she said she would be at her car around 4:45 and being one who loves being early rather than on time I left at 3:50 I wanted to read at the tram stop.

As I left my house I decided to check the mail first then leave. As I was a few steps away I realized I left my business cards at home. I was about to keep waking but something told me I should get them because you never know what opportunities you will come a cross.

Well, getting my business cards and paying for my ticket made me miss a tram. I was a bit disappointed but didn’t care too much.

I was listening to my music and danced over to the bench (I do that often). When I turned around to sit down a woman was behind me and I jumped and apologized. She said it was okay and I should enjoy my music so I sat down bobbing my head along.

As we were sitting there I thought to myself “hey! I’m an Herbalife Wellness Coach now. I can’t just sit here not talking to anyone.”

So I awkwardly asked if she was interested in her nutrition at all and an awesome conversation erupted. It was awesome because if things never happened how they did, I would’ve gotten on the tram I missed and not talked to Ms. Barbara. She was amazing and I’m glad to have talked with her. I gave her my business card asking if she knew anyone who was interested in Herbalife or my writing skills. I hope we can connect and help each other.

What I loved about this experience is that I would’ve never had the chance to meet such an amazing woman had any of those small details changed. If I decided to listen to my music or not go back for my business cards.

What I learned:

1. Things happens for a reason-even the little things.

2. Talk to everyone, you never know who you’ll come across.

3. Get business cards. Period. Even if you don’t have a job. You have talents that can definitely be marketed and expanded upon. At least a calling card or something.

That’s all for now.

Oh by the way, I’m on my fourth pair of pants that I can now fit into ^.^ I feel great. I saw these pair of Levi’s that my boyfriend bought me last year and took a leap of faith hoping they would fit. I was pleasantly surprised. This Herbalife is pretty amazing.

To be honest, I have 4 pairs that still have the tags on them because I couldn’t fit them when he bought them and wanted to keep them just in case. Hopefully next week I can fit into those. If I could I would probably make my whole life about Herbalife because that would be a miracle.

Anyway, I hope you all have a pleasant day πŸ™‚

Weekly Writing Challenge

Hello Dear Reader,

This post will be a bit different. I came across another blog that challenged me to write and became intrigued (the link is below). So this is one of the challenges. I will write about my earliest memory for ten straight minutes.

Starting now:

I looked up at my mama who assured me that a sleep over would be fun. I was almost four-I was a big girl. That didn’t matter to me, as my Aunt Cindy headed toward her house, I cried for my mama. Something about not being with her frightened me. It felt as if I wouldn’t see her again. Whether that was true or not was besides the point. My god sister Sarah sat next to me in the back seat. I don’t know what she was doing because all I could think of was that I might never see mama again. My older sister was already away at my nana’s house. She had already left me and I didn’t want to be without my mama as well. Suddenly we were at Aunt Cindy’s house. Sarah and I had a pillow fight and I’m not sure where I slept. I remember the two of us tumbling together and the fun stopped when Aunt Cindy told us to go to bed. I don’t remember what I had for breakfast or when I took a bath. I do remember exploring the house. It was so big and it hurt my neck to look up at the heaven-like ceiling. I looked in Tanessa’s room. She was Sarah’s older sister and the same age as my big sister Wanda. I remember her bed spread was lighter and her room was very light. It was a sharp contrast to Tim’s room. He was Sarah’s older brother. I went into his room even though I wasn’t supposed to. Something about his darkened and mysterious room seemed intriguing to me. Heaven and Earth was the contrast. Everything was so big and as I went in to explore my mama called me. She had been sitting on the couch for who knows how long. When did she even get there?

Well that was 10 minutes. Surprisingly I thought I would have gotten much more written. Although it’s harder to write when I’m focusing on remembering something such as a first memory. That was fun though. I think I’ll take another challenge soon.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/writing-challenge-remember/

My Own Kind of Beautiful

photo (3) 20130802-124555.jpgHello Dear Reader,

The last day or two has left me very reflective. Sometimes I have to just get out of my own way and move forward.

I’m feeling a bit motivated today. I cleaned up a little and decided to volunteer today. I started volunteering at the Rock Thrift Store last week and had decided to go every Tuesday but last Tuesday I didn’t go because Kim let me borrow her flat iron and I had had it for about a week and so decided to do my hair (which took like 2 hours) instead.

That’s not the best reason not to volunteer but that’s what happened so I made sure I went today. It felt good helping out.

Last night I went shopping for school supplies. I’ll be moving back on campus in September so I picked up a few things. One thing was an amazingly awesome mug that reads “be your own kind of beautiful.”

No I didn’t need it but the message made me feel confident and happy so I got it.

Anyway, I went to a Landmark Forum, what I would like to call “opportunity meeting” and something was reinforced to me. If you change your perspective you change your life. Now that is something that I have been trying to work on but it is not yet mastered.

I feel like everyone tries to get through life the best way we can but to be honest you weren’t meant to go it alone. Not trying to force my religion on you or anything but I believe God made Adam and Eve. Adam became so lonely he asked for a companion.

Most of us believe that going through life as a lone wolf makes us stronger and invulnerable. Truth be told, hanging out with Kim, Dez, and Jen this past month and a half has left me stronger and more fulfilled than I ever had these past 3 years in college trying to go I alone.

I’m just at a point where a world of opportunities seem to be open. I haven’t had this feeling since high school. On Tuesday I was thinking about joining the peace corps, joining the Air Force reserves, going abroad for internships, and many other things. All at once I realized that anything is possible right now.

It was beyond weird and I don’t know what sparked it. Dez and I made a “Crazy Bucket List” and it was amazing. I felt on top of the world as I thought about all that’s possible in life.

Sorry this is so long. I’ve fallen off the wagon with my writing and I’m getting back on starting today and have had so many experiences.

I recently got an internship with a company called Conundrum Alliance. I will be a marketing assistant for now but I hope that I can eventually become a life coach with this company. They are up and coming and I love their mission so I’ll do what I can to support them.

I went to yoga last night and felt amazing.

So here is my “Crazy Bucket List” and I encourage you all to make one as well:

-Become a Fitness Instructor

-Produce a song/demo tape

-Go to Niagara Falls

-Start a Creative Writing Non-Profit

-Go to Japan

-Go Para-sailing

-Learn to Speak Japanese Fluently

-Learn to Speak Spanish Fluently

-Go Scuba Diving

-Become a Life Coach

-Become and Accomplished Writer

-Learn to do a Flip

-Become a Doctor

-Go Zip-lining

-Become a Chiropractor

-Write and Publish a Book

-Learn to Play the Piano

-Build a Working Computer

-Solve a Rubix Cube

-Sail to Puerto Rico

-Do the Splits With Ease

So that’s all the things I want to accomplish before I kick the bucket. I’m going to put this on my fridge and work towards these goals.

I need to post more because so much has been happening to me that I can’t fit it all in one post. You should expect to see more pictures (Not videos unfortunately because it’s too expensive at the moment 😦 sorry).

What I’ve learned this past week:

1. Never give up. You have to go through some bad times so that you can be prepared for the good times.

2. Be who you want to be today. Although it may be hard to be authentic, “be the best version of you today”-everyday. (quote from Coach Susan)

3. Clarify the goals you want to meet and then try your best to meet those goals.

4. Don’t be afraid of failure. We are going to fail sometimes, but don’t let that stop you from acting because failure is how we learn to get better.

5. Talk to people. You never know who you are going to meet and what opportunities you can find. As a person who has been in their shell for many years, just talking to people and sharing my story with them has changed my life immensely.

6. Change your perspective-change your life. If you choose to see closed doors everywhere, that’s what your reality will be. If you open your mind and heart to see the endless possibilities that life has to offer, that’s what your reality is. It pays to be optimistic. πŸ™‚ Now don’t get me wrong, living in the world we live in can make optimism really difficult and sometimes you do have to sift through the darkness to find the silver lining. I assure you that there is always a silver lining. This world we live in offers us so many opportunities but that doesn’t mean they’ll just fall from the sky, we have to take initiative and look for opportunities anywhere and everywhere.

7. Having a support circle does wonders. if you feel that the people you are currently associated with do not support you, remember that there are over a billion people on this planet. Somewhere out there you will find people who you mesh with and who can support you. Since I came to San Diego, I felt like my support system was gone. My friends and family were not in my day to day life. It has been three years and only now am I gaining a support system: Kim, Dez, and Jen. It can be hard but don’t give up, just keep looking.

That’s all I can think of for now. I will post soon. I hope everyone who reads this can take something out of it. I also hope that if there are people out there who are going through hardships, that things will look up for you as soon as possible.

The Worst Part

Hello Dear Reader,

So I’ve decided not to take the meds. I went to a chiropractor and was informed that going to get adjusted can lead to my depression going away.

I’ll be honest, I hate taking pills that will only mask the problem. I want something permanent.

The problem though, is that on days like today sometimes I want a temporary fix to keep me going.

Today I went in for a free chiropractic exam and from what I understand, if I go 2-3 times a week for a little over a year my physical symptoms as well as emotional will go away. The only thing is that it’ll cost $275-$350 a month out of pocket and I don’t have those kind of funds.

When I was 16 I had surgery to remove a cyst from my tailbone (I had had the cyst repeatedly since I was 12 and finally had it removed) and ever since the surgery my back has never been the same. I’ve had chronic back pain for 5 years now.

Anyway, hearing that really bummed me out and brought me out of the high I had been on.According to the x-rays the doctor took, not only is my spine curved but my neck has a weird curve to it to which explains the neck spasms I had been experiencing for years as well. If I don’t get it corrected it could become worse. So decrees the chiropractor.

It’s the little things that always tip me over. I mean some other stressful things happened this weekend, but for some reason, the need for chiropractic care and the lack of money to pay for it has me down.

Sometime it’s just really hard for me not to just sit around and cry. It was a struggle to fold a load of laundry when I got home because all I wanted to do was sleep. I promised myself to be cleaner so I pushed through it but I’m feeling so crappy right now that I almost can’t stand it.

What’s worse is not many people understand. Family, friends and the like. They don’t understand how hard it is to have to fight with yourself just to get out of bed, or force yourself to speak and smile so you come off as normal…

I’ve never really claimed to be “normal” and this is mostly a rant.

Where I am, is that I’m fighting between this looming darkness and the fire to fight for my happiness. I don’t want to be depressed and I try my best to keep it together and find ways to bypass it all…but it doesn’t always work and it quite frankly sucks.

What I learned:

1. Fighting to stay afloat is hard, but I have to keep fighting.

2. If I’m hopeful and determined to get better, I will. I have to try harder.

Quick Post

Good Evening Dear Reader,

I know it’s been awhile since my last post. I’ve been quite the busy bee. This’ll be short. Basically I started an Herbalife program on Tuesday and attached are pictures that Kim took of me on the Saturday prior.

I’m really hopeful and excited about this program. I’m going to track my progress for you. Also apparently I have to pay to post videos and I thought to myself “I don’t really have the funds for it” then felt sad and didn’t make a post at all.

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Excited

Good Morning Dear Reader,

This morning I’m feeling pretty good. Maybe yesterday was a fluke. Also I’ve decided to take the medicine at night because it makes me sleepy. I can’t afford to sleep through daily opportunities anymore.

Secondly, I am now a wellness coach for 3 people and super excited about it. I want to guide them and myself down a path of healthy living and longevity.

I’m not going to lie, I ate some fried food for dinner last night and feel kinda crappy today. The important thing is that my body has become used to healthier food so it doesn’t accept bad food like it used to. Hooray and Ouch!

I’ve been neglecting my writing lately so I want to start up with that sometime today.

I’m also excited and nervous because I have an interview today. I want to be an intern at the AFLAC company and I’m a tad bit terrified of messing up.

I’m going to wear one of the nice outfits the church gave me and hopefully everything will go well. The church is called Bayview if anyone is interested.

On Tuesday I start volunteering at The Rock Thrift Store and I’m super excited about that. I’ve taking a lot of personality tests and consistently they’ve said I would like volunteering. I am pretty into personality tests, horoscopes, etc so I thought I’d give it a try.

This is because I’m on a quest to overcome my depression and live a healthier life.

If volunteering can make someone like me happy, then I might as well try.

What I’ve learned:

1. Try new things. It can be exciting and you never know what opportunities are hidden.

2. Leave sleeping for the nighttime. You never know what amazing things you’re sleeping through.

3. It’s okay to give into cravings but don’t overdo it. You can have your satisfaction without killing yourself.

That’s about it for now. Later today I’m going to make a post about some social activities I’ve been doing and it’ll have videos πŸ™‚

Turning Around

Good Morning Dear Reader,

So the other day my friend Kim said she believes that things will be turning around for me. 2013 has not been the best year thus far. It has been a struggle with both physical and mental sickness, familial and financial problems as well as academic challenges.

Despite this I do feel like things are looking up.

In the past 7 days I’ve attended 5 workout classes and handed out a few of my business cards. I’m going to become a health coach today and yesterday I received a call saying I have an interview for an internship that I applied for.

Last night I had a conversation with God. I haven’t done this in a while, where I simply talk to Him versus a traditional prayer. I certainly counted my blessings and asked for His help.

I do believe in the power of prayer but I also believe in the power of hard work: you do all that you can to achieve your goal then pray about what you cannot control. Maybe this is the wrong way to look at it, I’m not sure but that’s what I do. But last night I did something that I don’t normally do, I asked God for the strength, courage, and wisdom to push forward in my endeavors.

I’ve always been reluctant to ask help from everyone-even God because I feel like He has so many other people to worry about. If I can do my share and do all that I can without asking Him for help that’ll be less of a burden on Him.

This is probably one of my biggest flaws. If I can’t do something myself I usually give up because I don’t want to burden others for help. I’ve missed so many opportunities with this mind frame…

So, one thing I’ve been telling myself is that it is okay to ask for help. Whew! That took a lot to say that. I mean I’m not totally against asking (I asked Kim to help me research some information). It’s just that the thought of relying on others for support makes me feel vulnerable, weak, and a burden.

Anyway, I was just pondering that this morning. I definitely want to start praying like I used to and realize that I’m not as much of a burden as I think I am.

What I’ve learned:

1. Praying for me is very peaceful

2. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes

That’s all I suppose. I just need to carry this peace with me throughout the day.

Afraid Of Success

Good Evening Dear Reader,

So I have this app called “Transformation” and it gives me a daily assignment to think about each day. I’m not as faithful with it as I’d like to be but one stood out to me. I saw it on July 12 and I can’t get it out of my mind so I’d like to share with you. Each daily assignment begins with a quote then tells you the assignment.

Quote: Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.~James F. Bymes

Assignment: Today, consider if how you life your life indicates a greater fear of death or of life.

 

This was really mind-blowing for me because after serious reflection I realize I’m afraid of life to a certain degree. I’ve missed many opportunities since I’ve been in San Diego because I have this deeper fear of living to my fullest. I don’t know what it feels like and mediocrity is where my security. Living on the outskirts of what I’m capable of…Mind blown.

I feel like when I was in high school, I felt so pressured from my family that I was afraid of dying in that house. I actually told my friends this. I was afraid of dying at home without accomplishing anything so I took every opportunity presented to me. Today I realize that I’ve switched, I mean I had noticed the change in myself. I just thought I had lost my drive but I realize that I developed this fear of living…

This has to stop! I don’t like it and I want to be successful…

I’ve noticed in the past week since going to meetups and talking with people that I’m starting to get my drive back. It’s not enough though. I want to be fully emerged in finding opportunities and I’m willing to fight for it.Β