Category Archives: Emotional Wellness

Week Four-New Things

Good Evening Again Dear Reader,

Last time I opened up to you about a past relationship that had been holding me back. This one will be about my current relationship and how that helps me. I’ll also explain more about that “Healing From Depression” goal I touched upon in the last post.

Let’s skip ahead.

First and foremost, I am a fast learner. So, after dating for a little while, I got some of those…what do you call them?…oh right, standards. I obtained some of those and decided what I want and what I don’t want. I settled down with someone recently and it has been awesome. I know what some of you may be thinking, “isn’t it too soon?” well for me no. When I wasn’t ready I didn’t date. When I was ready to date, I dated. Now I’m ready for a new relationship, so I’m in on. Time is irrelevant. Another thing about me is that even though said events are awful and devastatingly intense, I move on and bounce back very quickly.

Anyway, I’m taking this new relationship more seriously. I actually feel like an equal to this man and it is beyond  wonderful ^_^. We communicate like adults. He loves my body and actually makes me love it more (even the parts that I had been so ashamed about in the past). He inspires me to be better which is awesome.

Just wanted to share that little bit of happiness.

I am mentioning this because this man and my roommate have been trying to help me heal. They explain that I don’t need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and it’s okay to be who I am despite what others think.

I’ve been learning a lot from them and that has definitely put me in a better place. This challenge for example, is something that I am using to explore more about myself. I am learning everyday and I gaining a sense of self-worth. It’s awesome.

One thing that I think has helped is keeping positive influences in my circle (my roommate, my bf, my sorority sisters) and eliminating bad influences in my life because at the end of the day, this is MY life. I’m the only one who can live it, and it’s finite. I only have so much time and I don’t want to spend it depressed and on the edge of darkness. I know what brings me to that place so I have a list of things that either keep me from there or help me work through it.

Watching Batman has taught me to always have a plan and a back-up plan. In terms of my depression, I do have that. I won’t lie, sometimes, I turn to alcohol or I withdraw a little, but I am getting much better and I know how to work with myself to have more highs then lows.

One thing that is oddly helpful is wrestling. I know that sounds a little weird but for some reason, that definitely helps me get out my pent up negative feelings. I’ve been practicing with my roommate mostly and it’s really fun. Now, I kinda suck at it since I don’t know many moves but I have so much fun. I’m mentioning this point because everyone tells me that exercise will help my mood. Well, I hate running so doing something I hate probably won’t make me happier and I don’t have weights at home so I can’t have fun that way. However, wrestling is something that I enjoy and I can do in my living room and it is awesome ^_^ So, yea exercise helps, but it doesn’t have to be typical by any means. I mean, if climbing a tree makes you feel good, go climb every tree you can find as often as possible. 🙂

So yes, I do feel healed. I am more productive, have more energy, and am at peace a lot of the times. Peace is priceless so I am very glad to be experiencing it more often.

On Facebook, I’m working on a page called “Depression Wellness Toolbox”. It’s not ready yet, but I want to use it so I can share things that you can keep in your own wellness toolbox (like GRAPES) to help you on those darker days.

This post is a little shorter so I do apologize and I hope you found it helpful. Have a good evening Dear Reader.

Until Next Time,

Diadora

Week Three-Reflection on The Past

Good Evening Dear Reader,

This post is a little late so sorry about that. It’s a reflection on week three of my 30 Day challenge.

So, I may have mentioned earlier this year that one of my goals for this year was to “Heal From My Depression”. I feel like at this point, it took all year but I have. Let me tell you how that happened.

One of the hardest things I dealt with this past year was breaking up with my boyfriend of 3 years in mid April. It was challenging because I gave my 110% to a man who not only did not appreciate me, but also cheated on and emotionally abused me. After being free from that I realize how much that took out of me.

I won’t name this person Dear Reader but in all honesty, I loved him through it all. Despite the tears and the way that his words crushed me at times I stuck through it…until I found out he was cheating. What bothered me the most about it is that I always tried to make our relationship better. If he didn’t like how I did things, I did them differently. When he didn’t like how “fat” I had gotten, I tried to lose weight. When his mother openly told me to “go kill myself” in February of last year and he told me to get over it, I succeeded (in this past March actually). As well as many other sometimes emotionally cruel things.

My friends asked me many times when they’d see me cry about something he’d said or did “why are you with him?” and at the time I would say “because I love him”. That was true. I did love him…at the same time I was afraid. I was afraid that I’d be broken if we ever broke up. I was afraid that no one would want me (especially since I lost my virginity to this man) or that it would be possible for anyone else to love me.

I’m sharing my story with you only because I want to caution anyone who is in a relationship like that.

If your significant other, makes you feel like you have to change, that is NOT okay.

If they degrade you or make you feel like something is wrong with you, that is NOT okay.

If they use your emotional triggers against you in order to manipulate you, that is NOT okay.

If they touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and won’t stop when asked, that is NEVER okay.

Even if they express kindness towards you, even if they tell you they love you (which may be true), these things are absolutely NOT okay. If they do these things and you talk to them and they will not stop doing them, you need to leave. You know why? Because you are better than that. I don’t care who you are, you don’t deserve to be put down, or made to feel ugly, or used, or abused. Everyone deserves genuine kindness and love. Point. Blank. Period.

In any case, I was afraid to leave because I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. When I found out about the cheating, that was the last straw for me and I broke up with him without thinking. He never apologized or gave an explanation. He came to collect his tv and his car. I told him that I would give him his things and not fight or argue with him, as long as he gave me an explanation. Instead of answering my questions, he called the police because I “wouldn’t give him his stuff back”. When the school police came (I lived on campus at the time) they talked with me and I let my ex take his things. The officer was very nice to me and explained that sometimes people don’t appreciate what they have and he told me I deserved better. That was comforting because, I won’t lie, the moments afterwards were awful…the officer called the school counselor for me and that was a big help because I needed extra support.

This was the suckiest time for this to happen because it was my last semester in college. I was already struggling to not only complete that semester’s work but also some work from the previous semester (you may recall in Sept-Dec when things got really bad for me hence the CBT program) so I really didn’t need heartbreak on the menu. I remember the first 3 weeks I couldn’t really sleep or eat, I left multiple class periods in tears, and I had one of my sorority sisters sleep over every night to make sure I would be okay. It was awful…but I held on because it was temporary. Everyone kept saying it was temporary. I knew in my head that was true but my heart was hurting.

What ultimately helped was contacting my support team. Individuals in my life who said they would be there for me. I talked with them, tried really really hard not to withdraw, and did nice things for myself. GRAPES and anime helped alot too be honest.

In the summer, I decided to date again. It was only 2 months afterwards but I needed the confidence boost because apparently, I am very hot. I am desirable and people think that I’m cute. Not going to lie, this was a shock to find out that people wanted to date me. It was awesome. It’s funny because one thing that would always be asked was “why are you single” and when I said it was due to my man cheating on me, the response was always “he must be stupid”. I found that amusing….at the same time I realize, I am a good woman. I’m a good girlfriend, I am passionate, I am amazing and I deserve a lot more than what I had been getting up until that point.

My dad says that I need to take what I can from my previous relationship and learn.

I wont’ say that there wasn’t any good in it because there was a lot of good, at the same time, I wasn’t happy a lot of the time and I’m learning to put myself first.

Next post, I’ll tell you about more recent events. 🙂

Summary of what I’ve learned.

-I’m awesome.

-I deserve love and kindness.

-No man should treat me like a doormat or an emotional punching bag.

-I’m awesome.

-I need to take better care of myself.

 

I hope you find strength in this Dear Reader 🙂

Love,

Diadora

30 Days of You

Hello Dear Reader 🙂

This isn’t my typical type of post so please bear with me 🙂

Yes it has been awhile but I am back yet again. If you’ve been following my blog, you already know this past year has not been the greatest for me. You’ve been with me through my ups and downs. You read my posts even though they were very sparing. Some of you even sent me encouraging messages. For that, I thank you. This blog and all of you have helped me heal.

I do want to give you an update. So, I’m not on my medication anymore due to the cost. Don’t fret because I am in a much better place right now and due to my wellness toolbox, I am bouncing back much easier than before. I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve begun a new relationship, I’ve moved from my old place, I’ve graduated college, I’m practicing more self-awareness and overall I am having more peaceful moments.

Now, I won’t lie to you. It was very hard. Very Very Very hard. There were nights during the past few months where I cried my eyes out and didn’t think I was going to make it. I depended on a lot of people to support me and I became discouraged at many intervals. I’m not claiming to be magically healed nor would I insult you all by giving you a step-by-step to recovery (since it’s relative anyway).

However I will say this, I am not at a low. My lows aren’t as low as they used to be and my highs are higher than ever. I can look in the mirror at least 3x a week and smile and say “you are beautiful” and mean it. I am experiencing increased happiness and I am amble to better catch myself in negative thinking instead of ruminating.

What I want to do is to share something with you. I want to help those who have suffered like I have or who are currently suffering. Depression, although it is getting a bit more talked about, is still an illness that is underestimated. It takes lives and robs souls. What I want to do is use my time, talents, and gifts to help others.

One thing that I am doing is inviting people to my Facebook challenge “30 Days of You”. Don’t worry, it’s free. I just want to help others.

The 30 Day Challenge is 30 Days of improvement, healing, support, and growth. The idea is that each participant chooses some goal they want to accomplish and stick with it continuously throughout the 30 Days. The goal can be completely personal, so “practicing self-love techniques for 30 days” or “learning to eat healthier” or “drinking more water”.

For some of you it could even be “get out of bed” or “smile at my reflection” and that’s okay 🙂

I’ve created a page called “30 Days of Fabulous” and the idea is to utilize it as a support system for the participants. So we post pictures, comment, share our stories and support one another in our endeavors. I would invite you to join the group and to join the event.

Ideally, one day I want this to become some sort of campaign or even a movement ^_^ that would be awesome. For now though, I just want to reach as many people as I can and support them to the best of my ability.

I hope if you’re reading this Dear Reader, you will join the event or at least share it with someone else.

Here’s the link to the 30 Days of Fabulous Page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/457855387690666/

Here is the link to the 30 Days of You Event: https://www.facebook.com/events/524420244368424/

Sorry for the atypical post but I just had to say that 🙂

Thank you so much Dear Reader and I hope to see some or all of you in the challenge.

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Recovery

Good Evening Dear Reader,

It has been awhile since I last posted. I am happy to say that I am recovering from the depressive episode that I had a few months ago.

If you’ve been following my journey, you already know that I started medication in November. In January, I started a Cognitive Behavioral Program and tomorrow is my last day.

During the program I’ve learned many helpful things and I feel more prepared to handle the lows. This post is a testament to my recovery,

What I’ve learned through the program:
1. I don’t have to be perfect and hold myself to such high standards.
2. I can strive for progress, not perfection.
3, Small steps are better than no steps at all.
4. I am good as I am right now, and I will appreciate all that I do.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m at 100% because I am not. I’m more at 70% but at least I am functioning. A few months ago, I was at 10%. So I did make progress and I’m proud of that.

I am learning to be more gentle with myself. Loving myself is essential to recovery and I try to do small things to be kind to myself: like watch an episode of anime, read an article etc.

I’ve also decided that as a writer, I want to use my writing as an avenue to help people who suffer from this illness as well as inform those with misconceptions about depression.

Although the perfectionist in me wants to go out and try conquering the world, I know that I need to lighten my load and take better care of myself. I mean, I do feel like I am back to the functioning range but at the same time, I think I need to be careful right now.

There are some things I want to share with you Dear Reader. Especially if you suffer from depression. There are 5 steps to recovery.

1. Hope
Always have hope that things will get better. Even on those days when you feel like everything is in turmoil, keep a little hope in your heart.

2. Connection
Connecting with others definitely has kept me from withdrawing/isolating. When I have my lows, I tend to withdraw from everyone (including my loved ones) so to help with that, I schedule social connection time. I call my mom on a daily basis (even for just 5 min), I watch anime with a friend weekly, and I try to have lunch with at least 1 friend each week. This has helped so much.

3. Empowerment
I know that I am searching for things that empower me. I feel empowered when I write (hence the blog) or draw. I try to find empowerment in the little things as well (doing the dishes or making it out of bed more).

4. Self-Responsibility
If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you know that I am a firm believer in doing all that I can to help heal. I was very reluctant to try medication. At the end of the day though, I asked myself “What can I personally do to help me heal?” and “Am I doing all that is necessary to help my recovery?” These questions pushed me towards the medicine, COG program, and self love. I thought I was powerless in this. I felt and believed that depression made me powerless, but that’s not true. There are many things I can do to help heal. I can be nice to myself, I can go to therapy, I can take my meds, etc. I have more power than I feel I do.

5. A Meaningful Life
To be honest, I wasn’t quite clear on this one. In my opinion, this means do things that are meaningful to you. What has meaning for me? I know that writing is very meaningful to me, so I try to do it more often. I know that music is meaningful to me, so I listen to it daily. Things like that.

Sorry for such a long post. I hope anyone finds even a piece of this useful. Don’t get me wrong, I am not claiming at all to be cured of depression. Rather, I am saying I have made progress, and fighting off the episodes is a lot easier since I’ve gained skills to help me manage.

I hope you find this helpful Dear Reader and I hope you have a pleasant evening.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Hello Dear Reader,

It’s been a little while, and I have much to share. First, I’ll start with some positives of the past few weeks.

1. I began a CBT program to step-up my healing from depression.

2. I created a network of people who will be my mental health support team.

3. I’ve spent less days in bed.

In the last post, I mentioned that I’ve started taking medicine and it seems to be a good decision thus far. I’ve noticed recently that  I’ve had an increase in overall energy. I’m able to get out of bed more often. In addition to that, my therapist Caroline suggested a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program-which I began last week-to help me learn necessary skills to manage my depression.

So far it’s been challenging but in a good way. I’m starting to learn that there isn’t a ‘quick-fix’ to depression and in fact you have to put in work. The work is challenging because in order to learn to manage depression, I have to explore some very painful parts of myself. I’ve felt a little down the last two days because I’ve been working on these painful things. I’m trying not to avoid it though, because in avoiding my deeper problems, I make my depression worse. I’m still hopeful that going through this program will help me so I will do whatever it takes to heal.

One thing that I’ve learned and that might be helpful is using G.R.A.P.E.S. each day (or at least I try to). For those of you who might not know what it is, G.R.A.P.E.S. is a tool used to practice healthy behaviors. You’re supposed to plan out the activities you want to do and it’s supposed to help you feel better in the long run. Apparently, people who aren’t depressed do these things so regularly in their day-to-day lives that they don’t have to think about them. People like myself, however, have to work on them.

Gentle with self: Do something that is kind and gentle for yourself. Meditate, read a book, etc.

Relaxation: Something relaxing for you. Take a hot bath, read a book, watch a funny video.

Accomplishment: What do you need to accomplish? It can be as small as ‘get out of bed’ or as big as ‘pick up friend from airport’.

Pleasure: What is pleasurable to you? (Writing my blog is pleasurable to me)

Exercise: Get up and move. Even if it is to check your mail, or walk your dog. Movement is good for the body.

Social: How will you be social today? Have coffee with a friend, call a family member, have a snack with your kind. Connection is important to recovery.

I don’t know if anyone really reads this, but it’s therapeutic for me to write it. If anyone does read, I hope it’s helpful to you.

Well, I will post soon Dear Reader and I hope you have a pleasant evening 🙂

Trying

Hello Dear Reader,

It’s been a while.

I would like to tell you that all is well and that I have ha less “episodes” recently.

Well there’s always the good and the bad.

Looking at the positive, I’ve been on my Herbalife program for over 90 days. In this time I’ve gained the ability to run without a burning sore feeling in my chest.

What I’m most happy about is that on October 20th I realized for the first time in my life, I was in a picture and didn’t feel fat. Whenever I’ve been in pictures in the past I felt like I was taking up so much space. I felt like I took up half the world sometimes. Recently though, I don’t feel that way and that’s important to me. I don’t have a six pack her but at least my self-confidence has gone up. That’s good nutrition for you.

Also good news, I’ve been making new friends recently, and that has given me some happiness. We are still learning more about each other but overall, I enjoy spending time with them and I feel like I’m getting out of my shell a bit more.

So, on the flip side…I’ve had so many darker days it’s unbelievable. I don’t know why because good things have happened recently. Yet, I find myself lying on my couch, afraid of leaving my dorm because I don’t trust myself to keep it together.

I’ve had more breakdowns and I’ve burst into tears in public on more than one occasion.

Sometimes I don’t understand myself or this illness…it can be so hard to just be okay and it’s not productive at all. I have missed a few classes recently because sometimes I just don’t trust myself in the car or walking to class. I know that sounds terrible, but is rather hide myself away then go out and do something I can’t take back.

I don’t want to…but the inclination has been growing stronger lately.

In any case, one friend recommended allowing myself to cry and acknowledging my feelings.

But what do you do when you want to cry everyday? How does that help you in the real world? How can you function when all you can think about is darkness?

I don’t know, but I’m not happy with this life sometimes. Sometimes my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed.

I’m sure anyone going through the same things wishes we could just flip a switch and be okay. I do, I wish that my emotions wouldn’t cripple my ability to function.

I’m sure there’s a way to overcome it all. It’s not a matter of will, determination, or drive. We all have it within us. It’s not a state of mind, if so, we could all overcome it.

It’s something else entirely and if so we have to think of new ways to battle it. Alcohol and drugs won’t help. It just masks the pain and agony.

The solution to it has to be something else. I want to know, because living everyday feeling as if I’m fighting myself is draining and it’s not for me. I’m almost to the point where I want to give up but I know I can’t.

All I can say to those like me is don’t give up…all we can do is hold on to our bootstraps, learn to love and accept ourselves and seek help, support, and guidance from others. As of now, those are our options.

What I learned today:
1. Sometimes you have to let go of the image of yourself and be who you are in the moment: this helps with self acceptance.

2. You are not weak if you can’t make it. Everyone has to take a step back, and even if you take more steps then others, be proud of everything.

3. Be proud of making it out of the bed. Be proud of opening your eyes when you wake up. Appreciate every accomplishment, no matter how small.

Well, I hope you have an amazing day Dear Reader, and I hope to write soon 🙂

The Road Thus Far (Part 1)

Hello Dear Reader,

I know it has been so long since my last post and many things have been happening to me.

For starters, I got a promotion at my on-campus work study job. I was so happy because I had wanted in since I started this job in 2010. Well, this is a work-study job. For those you do not know, a work-study job is a job you can get if you are awarded work-study (a type of governmental grant) in your financial aid package.

The problem that I am facing for this semester is that my financial package has not been awarded to me due to my parents filing their taxes late as well as some other mishaps. This means that I do not have work-study and thus cannot work at my job anymore…and I just got that promotion…so feeling pretty sucky about that still.

On a good note, I’ve been seeing many changes being on my Herbalife program. If you remember a few posts ago, 11 days into my program and I was already seeing results. Well, today is the 64th day that I’ve been on my program and I have some more results to share:

Age: 21
Height: 5 Feet, 2.5 inches
Weight: 184.0–> 181.7–> 178.1 (aiming for 141)
Body Fat %: 43.1–> 41.1–>40.0 (aiming for 20%)
Body Water %: 41.1–>42.4–>43. 2 (aiming for 50%)
Muscle Mass: 99.5–> 101.6 –> 101.5 (aiming for 120)
Physique Rating: 3–>same–>same (aiming for 6)
BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate): 1537–>1555–>1549
Metabolic Age: 64–>59–>55 (aiming for 21)
Bone Mass: 5.4–> same–> same (This is okay)
Visceral Fat: 7–>same–> 6 (aiming for 4)

I am waiting until I hit the 90 day mark before I take my follow up pictures but many people have said that I’m much smaller. I’ll be honest, the numbers don’t impress me as much (minus the weight because it’s been months since I’ve been in the 70’s) but what does impress me is the ability to fit into pants that had been sitting in my closet for months on end. It is a good feeling to be able to fit into your clothes and not feel fat. That has been the most amazing thing for me.

Also, I used to binge eat a lot when I was younger and due to the stress of everything, I’ve been stress eating the past week or so. I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t stress eating my numbers would be better, but it is mighty impressive that I’m still getting results.

In addition to that, I’ve seen improvements in my physical ability. I’ve actually been able to run 10 min on a treadmill without stopping and last week I walked at an incline of 6 for 20 minutes then followed that up with a 10 min run at speed 5.

Never in my life would I imagine that I could run for so long…let alone that speed. It was crazy and amazing and I do love this Herbalife.

I just wish my personal problems didn’t get in the way.

As far as the depression goes, I’m still not on medication (don’t want to be) and I’m still going to Cognitive Therapy. I’m trying so hard to put things in perspective. To see the positive side of things and not to let the external effect my internal.

Well, that can work if you’re dealing with one stress factor at a time. When your finances, academic career, living situation, roommate drama, and relationships are stressing you out all at once, it can be very difficult to deal with that.

I am writing because I am fed up. I am tired and I want things to be better. There’s been a lot of obstacles popping up in my life the past few weeks and it’s so hard to even function (let alone succeed).

Part one ends with this:

-Something has to come out of this struggle I’m going through. Either I gain something or become a better person in the end…but there has to be something. I am hopeful, but my hope and tolerance for setbacks are a little bit low and I’m getting close to the “I can’t do this anymore” point.

Steps

Hello Dear Reader,

Firstly. I am feeling much better since my last post. I haven’t done anything special, I just rode the wave of emotion until I felt better.

Today I slept until the last minute but still managed to make a green smoothie and Herbalife shake for breakfast this morning.

I plan on having a green smoothie each day. That sounds like it’ll be good for me.

Today I actually got to write. I finally finished that paper that had been due in May. It was difficult but I’m finally done…I can now enjoy the last week of my summer….yay?

Anyway, today I wrote a few scenes for the fanfiction Jen and I are writing together. Hopefully I can finish chapter 3 today so my readers won’t hate me.

I went to the gym with Kim today. It was challenging but a good workout. I did a full body workout and it was awesome.

Things that I’ve learned today:

1. Workouts are so much easier to push through when you have a buddy. For some reason, I was able to do more with Kim then I can by myself.

2. Drink water all the time. After being on the Herbalife program I can actually tell when I’m dehydrated. It kinda sucks but it’s also awesome because I can hear my body tell me what it needs.

That’s all I have for now. Hope you all have an awesome day 🙂

Confession

Hello Dear Readers,

It’s been a little while since I posted last, and I feel bad about that. I wanted to post everyday but being in the real world as an adult (living with depression, going to school etc.) doesn’t leave me much time to do what I want.

Well anyway, today was kind of a hard day for me. It was a little harder to fight back my personal demons today. I wasn’t scheduled to work today so I slept until about noon. I don’t know if any of you have had this feeling before, but sometimes I would rather stay in bed and dream then get up. Sometimes dreaming about things makes me happier than tackling the day.

I had a phone call with my boss (from the marketing assisting job) to check in on an assignment I was given. I had fallen behind this weekend and not yet completed it. I felt pretty crappy and instead of getting up to finish, went back to dreaming just to get a few moments of happiness.

Later, I actually had my first cognitive therapy session with my new counselor. We talked about medication (which I really don’t want to take) and basically, she will give me a few weeks and if there is no improvements we will revisit the issue. Based on my history, I’ll probably end up on the medication. She said that depression is a medical issue and that sometimes like a cold it can go away but also sometimes like cancer more advanced measures (medicine) must be taken.

To be honest that bummed me out a bit because I have this fear that I’ll become dependent on the medicine. Like my whole life’s happiness will depend on whether I take a pill everyday or not. It’s scary and the thought of it sucks quite frankly. I do dream of becoming a doctor but I believe prescription medicine should be a last resort. I think it should be used in some cases but not in every case for every issue. I don’t want to take medicine that may mask my depression. I want lasting effects and I’m not entirely confident that medicine will give it to me.

Later on I did have an “episode”. I didn’t want to go work out because I felt so awful. I went anyway but I felt like I’d burst into tears the whole time. I didn’t want to be there because I honestly feel like I’m never going to change. I feel like I’m always going to be this person who misses deadlines, gives up on maintaining my health, and instead live this life of personal mediocrity.

I know that sounds pretty terrible and maybe I shouldn’t be so mean to myself, but at the end of the day that’s how I feel and these feelings have been constant for 9 years now that I don’t feel like they will ever go away. It feels like happiness is inside of some building that is locked from all sides. I mean sometimes I do experience true happiness but sometimes I am just standing on the outside waiting for the doors to open when I know they never will.

I know I usually try to write things that are uplifting because I know that others out there are suffering and could use a little encouragement…but please forgive my selfishness dear reader, because I just wanted to take this space to cry out a little.

I keep fighting myself everyday to push forward but on days like today it all feels pointless. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what’s wrong with me. I would like to say that I have determination and drive but I can’t seem to pull myself out of this emotional pit.

Today I admitted to myself that I don’t really love myself…that sounds horrible I know but I’m just being real. I don’t love myself and it hurts. I’m trying to do more self-love activities but some days I look in the mirror and…

Anyway…I’m feeling pretty down right now and all I want to do is sleep and dream. I’m aware of my feelings and I’m trying to push past them. I don’t really have anything light to say today unfortunately and I’m having my doubts about posting this, but if nothing else, I try to be authentic and I won’t pretend that everyday of my life is sugar and rainbows and that somehow I’m happily managing my depression.

I apologize for my sad post and I hope you have a pleasant evening dear reader.

Improvements

Hello Dear Reader,

I am feeling super excited today. Let me first say that this Herbalife program that I’ve been on is turning out to be beneficial. Let me first say that I am not a runner. I’m the type of person to make it outside of my door and be out of breath. Anyway, I go to FitCamp Mondays and Wednesdays and this week I went on Saturday. We begin and end each workout with a short jog and although I don’t stop, I’m always the last to finish.

This past Saturday I went to FitCamp and this time during our warm-up run, I noticed I was in front of a lot of people. I asked my coach Jess “Is everyone slowing down or am I getting faster?” I started laughing because the thought of me getting faster is ridiculous.

I could keep up with the group and I my chest was not on fire for once. I pushed myself though the workout and felt amazing afterwards. Even Susan, another coach told me that she sees me improving every time. A person came up to me afterwards and said “Hey, slow down, you’re making me look bad.” Talk about a confidence boost 😀

Basically, I took a huge leap of faith trying this Herbalife and thus far I’m satisfied. I hope it keeps getting better.

This morning I went on a hike and I felt great throughout the whole hike. It was a pretty easy hike but I was so proud of myself. Anyway, the more I continue with this program, the more I want to promote it. It’s pretty good thus far. If I can see my abs by the time school starts, I’ll be a real believer.

On another note. I’m trying to network and get my name out in the world. I connected with two people at the hike today and I am happy about it. This week has been pretty busy. I didn’t do everything I wanted to this week but it hasn’t got me down. I’ve been consistently feeling up and I like it.