Nightly Thoughts

Good evening Dear Reader,

One of my goals this year is to read more. So I compiled a list of 52 books I want to read. I am allowing myself the flexibility to read as many of the books as I can, without the pressure of having to meet that number. The goal is to read more in general.

That being said, I’m nearly finished with “The Four Agreements”, by Don Miguel Ruiz. I had attempted to read this in high school and I remember there being a lot of “good stuff” in there. I had been wanting to read it for years but somehow it stayed on my shelf with the other forgotten books.

It is very insightful and every page challenges my soul as I read it. I will admit, there are parts that rub me the wrong way. There are parts that are hard to digest. There are parts I have to take with a grain of salt. Yet, as I initially suspected, it is full of “good stuff”.

“These beliefs are so strong, that even years later when we are exposed to new concepts and try to make our own decisions, we find that these beliefs still control our lives.”

-Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

I recognize that I have a combination of unhealthy habits, unresolved trauma, and toxicity within me. I try hard not to let that seep to the surface to effect those I love or people I interact with. As well, I am active about trying to heal from these things. I recognize that I do make mistakes but as long as I’m always striving to get better, I think I’ll be okay.

From what I’ve read, I started to heavily analyze certain wounds I’ve had and the origin of them. “When did I become so afraid of this? Why is it hard for me to speak on that?” and so on. I realized that some “agreements” I hold true came from one small event and yet I took so much truth out of that experience. I noticed that if I was rejected once in some capacity as a child, I somehow developed a complex in my adulthood. It was a very interesting analysis.

In any case, it is a hard thing to do to peel back the layers and look at yourself in earnest. It’s painful but necessary.

I was having a honest and open conversation with one of my partners surrounding topics of what femininity means to me. He asked me follow up questions and I answered in earnest. As we delved deeper into some of my fears, I told him “I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. It feels as if my heart is open and you’re poking around inside”. His response was delicate and inviting and when we moved on to other topics, I couldn’t help but wonder “why”? Why was talking about my fears and such so hurtful? Why couldn’t I just dive in fully?

The book suggested that to do so can do more harm than good. That change and healing is something gradual and I couldn’t help but agree. As I learn about myself, I’m growing steadily. I am not the same person I was. I am learning more about what it means to love myself and even though it’s scary, I know it’s worth it.

I’m worth it.

As I go along in the book, I do realize I have some of these concepts in my heart, but I need to actively work on adopting the others. I’m pretty hopeful. I know I can do it. I just have to brush past my hesitation and act.

If you haven’t read it Dear Reader, please do. The Four Agreements is a wonderful read (this is not an affiliate link).

Much love and warm regards.

Shannon M.

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