An Introspective Day

Good evening Dear Reader,

The first day of 2021 has already been a lot. I hadn’t been sleeping very well recently and after getting home from my night audit shift and taking some melatonin, I crashed under my amazing weighted blanket.

I started reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and one of the lines bounced in my head as I drifted into an almost outer body experience.

“We cannot forgive ourselves for not being what we wish to be, or rather what we believe we should be. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect.”

-The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

As a professional perfectionist, lines like this are challenging to digest. When I try to sleep, I do a meditation of sorts. Some deep breathing to relax me and sink me deeper into a restful state as well as visualization. Today when that happened though, even though exhaustion was threatening to claim me at any moment, I couldn’t help but think of that line.

And I had the most vivid dreamlike state I’ve ever experienced.

I started reflecting on all the love I constantly pour out for others in my life. My partners, my friends, my family. All of it. pouring out like kinetic sand into them.

Then a voice, one that seems to only recently been emerging, said “this is great. Now, turn this inward.” and apart of me resisted, though I don’t know why. So I tried. The same love and energy that I pour forth for others, I imagined pouring into myself. Obsessing over myself. Loving for myself. Sacrificing for myself. Appreciating myself. All of it. It was difficult but beautiful and the sands of my love swirled around inside of me.

In that moment, I saw my personal demons surround me. They were growing and shrinking as my fear fluctuated. But the voice told me, I had to learn to keep turning this energy forward. She spoke to the demons and said that once I learned how to master this, they would have their time and we would make peace with them. Some of them subsided and let me work on pouring my energy into myself from my root to my crown. It was vey interesting because my physical body twitched even though I wasn’t sure if I was awake or asleep. Then one of my voices, the “Judge” as Don Miguel Ruiz would label it, stepped in. her face was twisted in anger and told me how foolish I was and that I’d never change but then the thought came.

Even if I’m not where I want to be now, I have everything inside of me to get where I need to be. Now, it should be noted that this is something my live-in partner has said to me on more than one occasion. However, in this moment, I could actually see it. I could see the love inside of me. I could actually feel it and it was beautiful.

I got a little scared as the voice of the Judge and grown to be too loud and I started to drift off to an actual sleep.

It was interesting and an unique experience.

I plan on finishing the book this week in hopes of dissecting it a little more.

In any case, I wanted to share this experience with you Dear Reader. Have you experienced any sort of situation like this? If so, let’s share and discuss. If not, what are your thoughts on vivid dreaming?

Much love and warm regards,

Shannon M.

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