Good afternoon Dear Reader,
2020 is coming to a close.
Despite all of the tragedy that has happened to the country and the world, I am personally able to find gratitude for some of the events that happened this year.
2020 has shown me how much I rely on social interaction as a way to escape my problems, which is a good thing because I was forced to face my demons. Now that I know what they look like, I can make peace with them in 2021. These months of forced down time have allowed me to see things that I wasn’t able to due to the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. In this time, I’ve been able to take stock of myself, my needs, my desires, my fears, my darkness-of all of me.
I realized that since I left home I’ve been in bad situation after the next and although initially I didn’t think it had effected me, it actually effected me a lot. Although my beloved nesting partner has helped me grow in so many ways, I have enough self-awareness to know that my true healing won’t happen until I live alone. So, this year I made the decision to live by myself, away from my nesting partner. I am very fortunate that he understands and is willing to let me experience this. Within the next few months I’ll be transitioning to my solitude, which is both scary and exciting all at once.
This year also saw the formation of a new dynamic with a beautiful man. I’m learning a lot not only about myself but also about how to be more communicative without fear. I am enjoying his energy but I also struggle with not losing myself in the heat of the excitement. I appreciate that he allows me to feel the love and appreciation but he has enough of a good head on his shoulders to not allow me to be too dependent on him.
Sadly, 2020 also saw the ending of an important dynamic. Although I am torn up about it, I understand that this is for the best. I need to stop holding onto things that no longer serve me and being quiet about it. A part of me feels like if I had been honest about how I felt when things came up, maybe I could have salvaged things…but the other part of me knows that that wouldn’t have changed things. I received what I needed from the relationship and I’m grateful for it but it’s time for me to let go (which is scary and it hurts).
In any case, I have a lot of gratitude and I hope I can keep this sort of energy in the coming year. I admittedly have a lot of fear. I fear failure. I fear success. I fear that once I do all this digging that I won’t find anything of substance underneath all the trauma… but despite the fear, I know it’s time to move. Moving forward is the only option and the only path to potential happiness. I’ll deal with whatever comes later but right now is the time for action, accountability, faith, and growth.
Happy New Year.
Much love and warm regards,