Somber Thoughts on Trauma

Good morning Dear Reader,

I haven’t been sleeping that much. It may be from working overnight though I figured only 2 nights a week wouldn’t effect me. It’s unfortunate because sleeping is the only real release I have from my constant stream of thoughts…

I woke up at 3am the past couple of nights and just started the ol think tank before the sun had even kissed the sky.

Something I’ve been pondering, and I’ve thought this for awhile, is how sensitive I was as a kid.

Now maybe all kids are sensitive, I’m not sure, but it’s wild to me that things that happened in my childhood still effect me today. Some thing that happened up to 20 years ago! That’s pretty ridiculous to me.

Now perhaps I’m lacking compassion with myself but I’ve had a lot of time to think and I realize a lot of my “triggers” and trauma come from things that happened during the first 22 years of my life.

Now too be fair to myself, leaving a super strict and religious home environment and immediately getting into a restrictive and abusive relationship didn’t leave a lot of time for healing.

At the same time, a large part of me is screaming “will you get over it already?” And that is hard to deal with sometimes.

So, I’ve broken down some of my thought patterns and behaviors because I don’t think the question is “why can’t I let go” but rather “what is it that I need in order to let go”.

Because when I think about it, there are plenty of behaviors and thought patterns I’ve been able to release. It’s just a matter of how to release the rest of the baggage that sits unpacked in my closet. They are all pretty, right between my skeletons and the demons that hang out there from time to time.

One thing I’m doing for 2021 is getting my own apartment. I’ve lived with my nesting partner for 6 years and we moved in with each other after 3 weeks. I dont regret doing that at all but we met maybe 4 months after my break up with my abusive ex. Again, no regrets but I think never having the chance to live alone didn’t allow me the space to unpack all of my emotional baggage and sort through it.

So rather then have the proper time to grow and analyze myself I’ve just been accumulating baggage from childhood to early adulthood and I think this quarantine has allowed me to really see how much is there.

So the first step is to branch out on my own. I love my partner because he is very understanding and we discussed it a few times as to what this will do for me. I won’t lie, it will be very difficult for me to separate physically. Although I don’t live with any of my other partners, I feel especially attached to the one I live with. So it will be a huge adjustment for me.

At the same time, I know intuitively this is a necessary hurdle in the next phase of my growth. The relationship I have with myself is forever and I don’t feel I can put off getting to know myself any longer.

In any case, my thoughts have been so consumed with how to make this a reality that I’ve been very stressed. I have to find a second job, save up, find an apartment within my budget, moving costs, functioning alone, etc. Etc. There are so many things that worry me but I know u have to push beyond them.

All the while, I’m trying to be productive with my other goals. To keep up with my writing. To finish the two books I’m working on. I started learning coding and it’s fun but it’s another thing on the plate. Finding the energy to game and other such things.

It reminds me of when I was in college and I had 22 units to complete within my last semester. I was an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing, had a leadership minor and was trying to become certified in Non-profit Management. The 22 units were all from each of those goals. My counselor recommended I drop some units because he felt I wouldn’t be able to finish. If I did that, I would have had to let go of one of those credentials and I wasn’t willing to do that. Against his advice, I kept the 22 units and pushed onwards despite the crippling depression and breaking up with my ex that semester. I finished the coursework and when I saw my counselor at the ceremony I said “see, I told you I could do it,”. 😬

So I know I’m capable of taking on many things and that it’s okay to set my sights on multiple goals. I just have to figure out how to get there and what works for me. The disconnect for now is finding the “how”.

In any case Dear Reader, I hope if there are things in your past that hold you back that you’re able to heal from them. It certainly doesn’t feel very good to have your past bar your way from a great future and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Take care of yourself today.

Warm regards and much love,

Shannon M.

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