Nightly Thoughts on Ambition

Good evening Dear Reader,

I read a comic strip that said “you die only once. You live everyday,” and that struck a cord with me.

As someone who has faced depression for over half my life, it was interesting to process.

You live everyday.

It’s tumbling in my head because there have been plenty of times in my life where I didn’t want to live. When things felt hopeless and I didn’t know what living felt like. I simply existed.

But now that I’m in a better place, I have found that my desire to live outweighs that negative voice telling me otherwise.

For the first time I actually want to be alive, despite the pain and the struggles that come with living with a depressed mind.

It’s both confusing and wonderful all at once.

But what I have struggled with the past few weeks is HOW I should go about living. Sometimes I get a million things done and I feel like “ah yes, this is how my life will be everyday forever”, then the next day has me waking up at 9am and doing 1 thing all day and I think “wow, I accomplished nothing, is this my life forever?”

I’m having a hard time finding a middle ground between a full on sprint and a leisurely walk.

What’s more, the idea of something being done everyday forever scares me.

In anycase, my brain says “okay, so we want to live. Congrats, what now?” And sometimes I don’t have an answer. I always have my dream that I’m working towards but I’m not sure how to become that version of me in my head. You know, the version of me that gets up at 5am, writes a novel a month, goes to the gym, does yoga and martial arts, cooks fabulous dinners and keeps a spotless apartment all the time while somehow managing 3 careers and building a poly lifestyle. I want to be that person.

Now, I’ve always been ambitious. Too be fair the version of me in my head doesn’t have to deal with depressive thoughts, have last minute plans come up or gets sick or tired. So I do have to account for “life” getting in the way of my perfect life.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t hold on to that image.

If I get to live everyday, everyday doesn’t have to be the same. My 100% today could be on a different spectrum than the 100% I give tomorrow. And that’s quite alright.

I’m trying to be more gentle with myself Dear Reader.

Have pleasant dreams and I hope you’re gentle with yourself as well.

Much love and warm regards,

Shannon M.

One thought on “Nightly Thoughts on Ambition”

  1. Dear Shannon,
    I admire your ability to search for answers to the doubts and fears you feel about the challenges you experience in life. What I know to be true about you is that you are able to process these fears to better understand the depth of them and thereafter take control of the fear that just happens to be “False Evidence Appearing Real”. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Remember, you are a resourceful talented woman who happens to be a work in progress of her self-awareness and of the values she upholds in her life and the world she lives in.

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