Hello Dear Reader,
This is the second week of my 30 Day Challenge. It’s day 10 for me.
I am admittedly frustrated because I wanted to blog daily. That was my goal and my intention was set…and yet that hasn’t been happening. What’s ironic is that many times I sit with my phone or my Ipad and try to write but can’t think of anything to post…
Some days I have so much to say (like now and the last two posts) but it isn’t always, you know?
I don’t know what this means.
The depressed and anxious me, which I will name Sandra just for the heck of it, is saying that I’m a failure because I haven’t done what I’ve set out to do. Also, what’s the point of continuing since I’ve already failed, so she says.
Pause. This business of giving the different sides of myself names is slightly empowering.
Like when someone says “one part of me says ____ while another side of me says ____” why not give a name to those two sides? I don’t know but that seems like a good idea to me.
It’s oddly satisfying but also effective for me to name these sides so that I can better understand myself, my mannerisms, and work with myself. Is that weird? Well maybe, but I guess whatever works right?
I’d also like to note that, this behavior may be mistaken due to certain stigma for BPD, (borderline personality disorder) and this is not the case and I apologize if it offends anyway.
So please indulge me Dear Reader for this slight quirk so that I may feel a little empowered for a little while longer.
Now that that’s established, I think I shall assign the name Diadora to the me that comes out when I blog and write. I confidently share my story and am much more authentic and self-loving.
Anywho, Diadora says that it’s okay and I should write when the inspiration hits. She tells me that writing weekly is a more achievable goal. Maybe if I change my goal to “Blog More” or “Blog Weekly” will be more obtainable and prevent Sandra from coming out. Furthermore, I have the right to change or alter my goals so it’s not a big deal. I’m not a failure for not
I like this idea and I’m going to just roll with it. Maybe “Blog Weekly” is a much better goal.
So, what makes me able to be okay with the fact that I hadn’t posted everyday and did not achieve that goal is:
1. Changing the goal
2. Changing my posts during the challenge to say “Week ___” vesus “Day ___” (for some reason the latter comes with some anxiety)
I think that even though I may going about this in a seemingly weird way, it’s important to note that sometimes we hold ourselves to rigid standards. Those standards can contribute to depressive feelings and so we have to try to be more gentle and forgiving with ourselves.
This may or may not be helpful, but my therapist would sometimes ask:
“If you’re friend did what you just did, would you react the same way?”
So would I be upset with my friend for not blogging daily?
No, I would be upset or call them a failure. I would tell a friend that it’s okay. I would tell that friend that just because they didn’t blog everyday, that didn’t make them a failure.
I’d also tell them that the whole point of setting that goal was to ultimately blog more, so as long as they were blogging more regularly (monthly instead of every 3 months or weekly instead of monthly) they were meeting that underlying goal.
Even just writing that out makes me feel better and less anxious so that’s good.
I hope that helps even a little 🙂 I will write soon. I hope you have a pleasant day Dear Reader.